Game of Thrones : The Blackwater's On Fire

 Best. Episode. Ever.

You have faith huh ? Well good luck with that.

So the episode starts at night, everyone is getting ready for battle. Meaning that Cersei is collecting a secret poison, the essence of nightshade, you know just in case she needs to kill her youngest, Tyron is having a moment with Varys, the eunuch and of course our little Joffrey just has to torture his future wife before he goes to battle. I love that character so hard core. He named his sword. He talks about it like it's a person. He's out of his mind. I love it.

But then on the top of King's Landing wall he is just a little boy. He doesn't understand what's happening because he wasn't the one to think of preparing for an attack. He has no idea what the plan is. So he panics. He is freaking out the entire time he's out there.

But not to worry because Tyrion is leading the defense. And Tyrion rocks.

That might be my favorite suspense moment in the history of GoT. I mean just picture it : it's dark, you're at sea (the least escapable place on earth) and you see this creepy little boat approaching your fleet, there's no one on it it's just slowly advancing toward you. How do those guys not pee their pants ?

Oh and wildfire leaking from the ship. It's horrible because they see it and then they see the arrow and they're like "Well, we're f#cked".

But that's not gonna stop Stannis. So they just go around the nuclear catastrophe and manage to land on the shores. The Hound is leading a sortie to repel Stannis's army but he sees a guy on fire and has a nervous breakdown.

So they all go back inside and The Hound basically says "F#ck all of you" and goes in Sansa's room to drink, I'll get to that.

Anyway Joffrey is about to have a meltdown or start crying. The King's Guard kind of abandoned him but, thank the lord, his mummy's cousin/lover comes to fetch him. I love that shot. He looks at Tyrion for like a second but there's so much shame in this look, he knows he's not doing the right thing, the brave thing but he's just too scared to do anything else. He's so depressing, he's almost loveable.

But Tyrion manages to get the troops' morale back up ! 

But Tyrion gets slashed across the face ! Boooooh ! Burn the guy that did that. I gotta say that moment was a huge wtf? Who's that guy ? He's in the King's guard but it's not like we've ever seen him talk or anything ! And what's his deal ? Seriously where the hell did that come from ? The dude looked at him and he went all murderous like "Oh you're pretty, let me fix that for you !"

I don't remember seeing this little guy before but I like him. A lot. He's 10 times braver than Joffrey will ever be, he's completely selfless and he's kind of round and cute. Like a baby pig. You know, in a good way !

And inside the castle, Cersei offered shelter to the ladies of the court. With a guy standing by to kill them, just in case. How so very thoughtful. Anyway she tried to talk them to death all night. Honestly what's with the opening up in the most creepy and depressing way possible ? Just for kicks ?

Then she punched her cousin/whore where he'd just taken an arrow and left. That led to a whole another wtf? So Sansa left too and went to her room where she found the Hound, drinking and being all "Imminent death makes me a philosopher". Then he proposes to take her back home. Like, whaaa? Sure, you wanna elope too ? They've had more and more scenes together lately and I just don't see where that's going.

And the last (but not least) scene of the episode. Cersei telling a cute little story about a mother and her cub destined to be king before she makes her son drink some poison. "It'll protect you" oh will it now ? I get her point, I understand why she'd want to do that, save him the pain of being a prisoner and being executed but Jesus, if you're gonna go through with that, have the presence of mind to wait until you're sure it's over, until they're at your door.

But then Tywin Lannister barges in like "Daddy's home, it's over"

I have to admit I found Cersei's reaction bewildering. It was so childish, the unconditional trust she puts in her father is really sweet. Anyway, the battle is over, the Lannisters are still standing, well most of them ... I don't think they could actually kill Tyrion but there's this little doubt that makes it seem impossible to wait another 5 days ! Only one episode left, can't wait !